|
 Mere days after being thrown out on his rear, former Chicago Bears bench rider Cedric “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” Benson has already landed on his field sobriety failing feet. Former Texas homeboy Ricky “Sticky Icky” Williams and Benson have come together again to help other people in similar predicaments, namely escaping the pressure of high stress jobs and getting away with it as long as possible. The tandem has come together once again to jumpstart their careers after football: motivational speakers.
*This is a 2nd Opinion story and is fictional, or in other words, not real.
The motivational tour is called “Ricky and Cedric’s Really High Stress Crunk Camp,” and it specializes in allowing employees in all career walks of life to underachieve yet still perform at high levels. It’s quite a delicate balance, and the Camp is specifically designed to accommodate to those who suffer from these uber-stressfull working environments, like lifeguards, mini-mall kiosk salesmen, meter maids, phone solicitors, etc. etc. There are several seminars that the former Longhorns put together and host personally, and can be run one at a time, or all together in one weekend. Here are the HighLights:
Seminar 1: Under-appreciation of Job – No matter how much income you “earn,” you are not your job. Never put your efforts above yourself. Work hard at working as little as possible. ‘As possible’ is a very vague term as well; figure out what will get you fired, and then do just above that. Consistent inconsistency is clutch. Make sure that you put in at most eleven hours of solid work, with plenty of respects played to online gaming and pointless YouTube antics that are mildly humorous that you will, no doubt, laugh at until tears stream down your face. And just when you think you’ve done just enough to not get fired, call in sick or injured. Strange odors in the work place are encouraged.
Seminar 2: Dreadlocks, Costs and Benefits – Partying is an important part of de-stressing your surrounding environment. An important step in making sure to everyone knows just how chilled out you may or may not be is incorporating a look that says “I’m not only here to party, but I’m here to party again, and you’ll never be rid of me no matter how hard you struggle, now where are the finger foods, because I’m starving.” It also says “I’m the Predator and I’d shoot Carl Weathers if he walked in the room right now.” The most important facet of the dreads is their uncanny ability to speak for you. They often speak volumes to those in law enforcement; “Guess how I’m partying right now, because you know I am.”
Seminar 3: “Doctors” and “Coffee”- Excuses are great to keeping those in sovereign authority of your job or your parole off your back. Who are they to expect you to do what you are under contract to do? This seminar informs you that frequent trips to the doctor are quite useful in legitimizing absences, but too many visits can garner unwanted attention from people in the medical community. Also, when taking a break while actually on the job with certain chemical substances (such as cranberry vodka or peppermint schnapps) people may notice your carefree attitude. Coffee or any other high caffeine stimulus can often be blamed for any unusual behavior that may be exhibited as a result of your free-spirited lifestyles. “Hey Cedric, you’re acting strange…” The proper response? “Thanks for your concern; I’ve been drinking Red Bull all day.” Looks so natural, no one can tell!
Seminar 4: Getting Out – All good things must one day come to an end. Fortunately, all mediocre things –cough 1,600 yards in three years cough- can come to an end as well. There are several great exit strategies that Ricky and Cedric are resident experts on. One easy way is announcing retirement. Retirement press conferences are tearful and nostalgic ceremonies that mark the end of an era and the commencement of a new day. You might want to have been on the payroll for more than four or five years for this to be a coronation of sorts, but retirement is retirement. But retirement is also a Canadian getaway, followed by coming back to the same office (maybe in Miami) with lower seniority than when you left. Another fail proof method is inviting John Law to the party. That will get you out of any sticky jam at work, and there’s nothing they (or you) can do about it.
These seminars are slowly touring the country and the response has been as mediocre as the athlete’s running them. But in a strange way, that’s the point. Why expect great production out of great slackers?
Trackback(0)
 |
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Felice Herrig - Mixed Martial Art Fighter