The last baseballing article that was written by the 2nd Opinion staff concerned the Second City teams, the Cubs and the White Sox, and their inter-league series that the Cubs swept. The article also outlined the now infamous wager between the two managers, Lou “I Have Eight Cell Phone Belt Clips” Pinella and Ozzie “Trendy Sunglasses” Guillen of the Cubs and Sox, respectively. It described the loser of the wager, Guillen, making good on his bet by performing several acts of ridicule and shame at the behest of Pinella. The article ended by asking a bone-chilling and bowel-emptying question: What would Ozzie have made Lou do?
*This story would be even better if it were real. However, we know you'll laugh.

Apparently, the MLB front office, desperate for ratings and bored at work, stumbled across this article and felt that it reflected the pulse of American baseball. Accordingly, the League rearranged the schedule on the spot, and forced the Cubs to play the White Sox yet again (seriously, look it up…it wasn’t scheduled until last Sunday or so). And by the rules of the legendary pact, forged in the smoking section of that hallowed T.G.I. Friday’s and made iron-clad, Guillen’s Sox swept Lou’s Cubs. Now Lou Pinella, despite numerous appeals, must follow Ozzie’s harrowing to-do list.

• Lou Pinella has to register and run in the Chicago marathon wearing a full-body banana suit. This combines two things that Lou Pinella hates more than anything: strained physical activity and bananas.

• Ozzie Guillen loves back scratches. Sorry Lou.

• Ozzie Guillen’s nephew, Geraldo, runs an unsuccessful mobile dog-grooming business out of his Chevy Astro van. Lou now has to be his assistant for the remainder of the month.

• Lou got the bright idea to make Guillen dress-up like Steve Bartman and run around Northern Chicago. The backlash was remarkable. But Ozzie saw that and raised him this: Lou has to streak around as himself. In St. Louis. Around Busch stadium. That’ll show him.

• Also recall that Lou made Ozzie Guillen fight his best player, Carlos Zambrano. In a showing of poor sportsmanship, Ozzie unleashed his most horrifying weapon: Jim Thome and his home videos of his family vacations to Mount Rushmore in Black Hills, South Dakota. The horror…the horror…

• Lou Pinella has to fist-fight a mountain goat.

• Lou has to ride what is known as the “Vomit Comet.” This isn’t the famed aircraft that astronauts use during training; this is Ozzie Guillen’s 1989 Isuzu Amigo.

• Ozzie Guillen charged Lou to catch a unicorn in the wild. A jackelope will also suffice.

• Lou Pinella will have to be a guest on The Ellen Show. This vexes him, not because Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian but because she is blonde. Lou prefers brunettes, like Rosie O’Donnell.

• Lou Pinella’s wife = Ozzie Guillen’s wife. Ozzie plays for keeps.

Again, it can only be assumed that this is merely a fraction of the obstacles, chores, and boondoggles that Ozzie has made and will make Lou “Sweet Moves” Pinella do. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake that there are no more of these haphazard wagers to ruin the reputations of both mangers. But for our vain entertainment, let’s hope for a Second City Series. After all, these series were simply pre-all star break midseason forget-abouts. What would the stakes of the wager be for the WORLD SERIES?

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