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 In the wake of the Cubs finding themselves in a remarkably tight division race, scouts and managers have looked in one of the directions that has given them the most hope: South Bend, Indiana, home of Charlie Weiss and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.The Irish recently gave the team the lanky dreamboat Jeff “I’m Usually Taller Than You” Samardzija, an All-American wide receiver while playing football for the Irish. Samardzija, while perhaps more talk than walk, throws an impressive 97 M.P.H. fastball that has many in the major league saying, “Wow, you know he used to play football?” Which is subsequently followed by “Yeah, I did. He was really good at that sport, and now he’s slightly above mediocre and slightly below above-average at this one.”
It was recently announced that instead of staying in his relief status, Samardzija will become one of a fellowship of closers to replace the ever-injured Kerry “It’s Seriously a Blister Injury, Mom” Wood.
The Cubs have been trying to replicate that sort of staggering success as of late, but began by looking in all of the wrong places. First, the Cubs flew to Poland to see if they could round up some pitchers. Unfortunately, baseball is rarely played there ever, so snowball-fight gladiators were asked to at least try out. Stand-out leftie Günter “Yah” Ghoerskjfnaskldjf offered the most promise, throwing a snowball a whopping 40 kilometers per hour, but only managing to throw a twelve on the American radar gun. Management left Poland only after running out of ink in their pens from have to write out all of the constants; they were there for eleven hours. Next, the Cubs collective organization flew as close to Merrillville, Indiana as they could, before having to hitch a ride on a tractor-trailer into town. Merrillville has a population of 118 and is known for their fine collection of Elvis-Presley’s-face-in-random-objects. Elvis’ visage can be found in anything from potato chips and dirty windows, to leaves and dirty diapers. Unfortunately, everyone in town either has the name ‘Samardzija’ or ‘Johnson,’ so no one was available to be scouted for the team, as they had all piled in the town Chevrolet Suburban or squatted in or around Lincoln Park. It was also determined that most of those individuals are cross-eyed as well, which wouldn’t make for good pitchers.
Finally, the Cubs front office got it right by heading to the source of Samardzija’s talent, Notre Dame. It was determined that the only person worth anything on that campus anymore was Charlie Weiss, since Jesus has been retired from baseball since 1994 when the Angels won the pennant (note the subsequent documentary Angels in the Outfield to mark Jesus’ appearance and Barry Bonds being the homerun king to note His absence). Being of some value, the Cubs decided to give him a go. Weiss was so ecstatic he nearly choked on his roast beef and chocolate sandwich.
The scouts set him up on the radar gun, but it unfortunately malfunctioned, giving off only a reading of “delicious.” However, it was clear to the scouts that Weiss has a few tricks up his sleeve, right next to the Smore-flavored-Pop-Tarts. Charlie Weiss has patented several pitches, most notably the Grease ball. Weiss is able to harness the grease that escapes his pores after his daily breakfast of bacon, ham, steak, and sausage, accompanied of course with hickory biscuits and gravy. This puts such a fantastic spin on the ball that it slips right off the bat of opposing hitters, while also leaving the pleasant aroma of a Weiss family breakfast.
He has also patented the Heave, which consists of Weiss putting all of his weight behind a single pitch. However, this pitch is likely to be outlawed by Major League Baseball due to the high fatality rate of catchers.
Look for Weiss to join the Fellowship of the Closers as the Cubs try to maintain their lead of the N.L. Central.
*Although this 2nd Opinion story is not real, Weiss is still welcome in the Cubs dugout On Any Given Sunday.
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