Baseball has been very good for the Cubs so far this season. The Cubs have maintained a lead in the NL Central since the season began, and still maintain one of the best records in the entire league. Every test that has come the Cubs way they have passed, from dealing with ailing players like Kerry Wood and Alfonso Soriano, to staving off divisional rivals like the Brewers and Cardinals as well as inner-city rivals, AL Central powerhouse, the White Sox. With all of this success, the Chicago Cubs have been able to kick back, relax, and get comfortable with a usually three-to-six-game lead in the division. Maybe too comfortable.

*2nd Opinion Stories are like Professional Wrestling, for entertainment only, and are fake.

Apparently, this may be the case. According to the Cubs’ front office, MLB officials and the National Food and Drug Administration, the entire roster of the Cubs has gained an average of 28.6lbs per player during this period of sustained success. The weight gain became more publicized during the highly-covered series against divisional foes, the Milwaukee Brewers. The Brewers had recently surged past the St. Louis Cardinals with the help of newly-acquired ace C.C. Sabathia, and were threatening to dismount the Cubs from atop the division. The Cubs won easily, but it was apparent to all by the loosened belts in the dugout and the numerous pairs of sweatpants worn by the benchwarmers that the team had put on some collective poundage, some more than others.

It seems the lethargy of being a stagnant divisional leader has taken its toll on the collective cholesterols and widening waistlines of the Tubby Cubbies. “It’s really remarkable,” said super-fit Commissioner Bud Selig. “The guys are blooming up, some more than others, but all of them have really not been taking care of themselves, even though they’ve maintained all the winning.” Some baseball historians are not too surprised as the success, although they do find their unified obesity alarming. “Heck, Babe Ruth shattered records, and he ate 11 bratwursts and drank eight pints of warm beer daily,” remarked baseball historian and Hall of Fame broadcaster Peter “Bones” Gammons. “To see an entire team getting out of shape – or into shape, whichever way you look at it- is something new, but if Babe’s teammates could’ve hung with him, I bet they would’ve been pretty hefty themselves.”

Even the teams’ stars, aces, and heavy-hitters have been pounded by portliness; here are just a few:

• First baseman Derek Lee has done nothing but watch Hogan’s Heroes reruns since before the All-Star break. There is a permanent buttocks-groove in the dugout and locker room where Lee usually sits and watches his “stories.”

• Ryan Dempster has fallen back in love with the fine art of model plane building. He sits for nine hours a day, making B-52 bombers, F-16 Tomcats, and sometimes even dollhouses. Dempster also developed lockjaw from the amount of people he doesn’t speak to when he’s building his toys.

• Recently acquired slugger and centerfielder Jim Edmonds is the only one who hasn’t gained fat, although he has gained weight. Edmonds has gained roughly 13lbs of muscle shark wrestling while having their comfortable lead in the NL Central. Apparently the sharks have had it coming, and Edmonds is just the man to put them in their place. No one dares to disagree with him.

• Carlos Zambrano has had the most peculiar source of weight gain. Zambrano has done absolutely nothing the entire break, unless he’s playing. He is carried from town to town by lowly Chicago interns and fed his favorite food, Coco Puffs cereal with whole milk, all while usually resting comfortably in the Chicago dugout. This has caused the Great Zambino to go from a size 38 to a size “gordo” waistline.

• But the worst weight gain, and probably the least expected, is that of Skipper Lou “Disco” Pinella. This comes as a shock mainly because Pinella is already usually inactive, and there should be no real reason for his weight gain. It is thought by many that Pinella’s reckless ego maybe at the source, and never wanting to be outdone at anything ever, he has gained more weight than most of the players. Pinella has since not worn clothing, slothed around the dusty dugout, and began speaking much more slowly, almost inaudibly (shown here).

So are the Tubby Cubbies good or bad for baseball? Gammons seems to think that it is all okay, invoking images of Babe Ruth gasping for air rounding his bases, while others may think differently. We shall see if the championship pace is able to be maintained at this fighting weight.

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