PHOENIX, AZ — After an away series against the Diamondbacks, Cubs RF Milton Bradley says enough is enough, and is pleading with the commissioner’s office to ban the carrying of six-sided dice, hourglass timers and game cards from all baseball fields in the country, as a number of taunting fans hurl them at the player during warm ups and even while preparing to bat.

*This is a 2nd Opinion Sports Fiction story.
“One of them hit me in the freaking eye,” said an irate Bradley. “I mean, I get it. My parents were retarded and named me what they named me. I’ve been enduring it my entire life.”

“But a dice hit me in the freaking eye. My freaking left eye!”

Individual clubhouses agree. Commissioner Bud Selig’s office has been flooded with letters and emails from grounds crews of stadiums visited by the Chicago Cubs saying that dice getting caught in the machines have ravaged their maintenance equipment.

Bradley is at the very least asking for the stadiums to provide mirror-dice to the attendees, as they tend to be fuzzier, and usually less deadly.

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