Lake Forest, IL — As Bears’ mini-camp revs up with the ceremonial hazing/paddling of the new rookies, an unlikely quarterback controversy is brewing between the designated starter, Bronco’s trade acquisition Jay “Meh” Cutler, and the admitted back-ups whose names are known by no one.

“I mean, they play quarterback?” asked or pointed out Cutler, who was barely audible over his blaring My Chemical Romance CD. “I’M supposed to be the quarterback. Gaaaaahhhhhh…”

Cutler demanded a trade from Denver after the Bronco’s new coach Josh “Kiddie” McDaniels of the New England Patriots looked into the possibility of a trade for his go-to guy last season, Matt Cassel, leaving Cutler distraught and opening a Pandora’s box of angst, resentment, and distraught-teenaged emo tracks from his iPod speakers.

“If there are other quarterbacks on the team, they’re all going to try to play while I’m playing,” Cutler said. “It’d be like if my girlfriend had a couple of other guys just waiting in the wings to break my heart and run away with.

“I won’t be happy until they’re gone, and it’s just me.”

Cutler sobbed uncontrollably and was unintelligible after word that his girlfriend had just run off with one or more gentlemen, leaving nothing but dry-heaves and Dashboard Confessional lyrics in the air.

2nd Opinion stories are fictional.

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